The thought of childbirth never ever scared me. I can't remember one moment where I thought I was scared of what it might be like or feel like, or that I wouldn't be able to do it. When I read the Hypnobirthing book and read all about pain being the result of fear, it made so much sense to me. And it really was true, since I was not afraid, I really did not experience pain, even during labour with my second son. It was very uncomfortable by the end, but not painful. I am always in awe of myself over how I mastered the fears that most women have about childbirth.
I have new fears now though. I am not scared of pain, but I am scared of failure. Traditionally I am one of those people who has lots of ideas but never follows through. Most great ideas fizzle and die before they become anything. Not to say that I've never done anything great in my life, obviously I have, but I do wish I had more motivation, that I didn't let fear get the better of me.
What am I afraid of? Afraid of not succeeding? Afraid of hard work? I'm not too sure.
The same holds true with my doula ambition. Because I am not in a position to start training formally, I am worried the dream will fizzle and die. I'm worried I won't follow through. That I'm all talk and no action. When I think about doing it, I think YES I CAN. But then I think about what comes next. What happens after I finish my training? Education has never been a problem for me, it's the go-get-'em attitude that comes after that part is over. The part where I start my own gig, start working. I usually fade into the woodwork, lacking the drive and motivation it takes to go out there and be successful. So then I wonder, am I just chasing an empty dream here?
But then, when I am reading my books, and articles, and blogs, I feel it. I feel like I want to continue, that it feels right to be a part of this, and to share it with other women. Surely those feelings can't be wrong, and I need to just focus my energy on them and keep moving forward.
I'm afraid I do lack terribly in self-confidence. I get discouraged easily. I have my humble little blogs, but then I go out there and see what other women are doing, what they are putting together, and I feel so.....small. There is so much more information out there that I have yet to learn. I don't know where to put it. I feel like I lack the creativity to make it, at anything really.
These are fears I am trying to master. I am trying not to let them get the better of me, like they have always done. With everything I have ever been good at or interested in, my husband would say "Why don't you do it/teach it?", and I would shrink back, lacking in confidence to go out there and get it done. I do want this to be different. I do have visions of starting something. I still don't know when, but I feel it can be done.
I coach myself everyday on how to be a better person and overcome my short comings. I feel like I have grown more as a person in this past year that I ever have before in my life. If I want to do it, I can, I just need to keep growing and keep moving forward. And stop procrastinating. And stop worrying. And start doing.
So the truth is I haven't posted here in a good week because I had run out of things to say. And that is all part of my fear, that I start strong and then fizzle out. And then I realized that this blog isn't meant to be about pregnancy or birth or parenting exclusively, it is meant to be my outlet on my journey towards this goal, and I should absolutely post my fears here.
It is halfway through August and I am halfway through my first book, right on schedule. My next goal is to get my ICAN Simcoe County membership up and running, and see what I can do through that organization. I figure if I set small goals for myself, I will feel good if I accomplish them one at a time.
I conquered fear in childbirth, and I can conquer fear in this as well.